Learning to love, me.

Wow, three years later and I have found my way back here. There is clearly a reason, there is always a reason I suppose. 

I needed to put my thoughts down on paper and publish them and forget! No but seriously, I have so much running through my head, I need an outlet, somewhere to vent. Somewhere to organize my thoughts. But truth be told I don't know where to start...

I don't really want to give a life update, no. I don't want to run through the last three years. Just know that ALOT has happened. Mostly good, and some not so good. My mental state has been tested so much, and in ways I never even imagined or dreamed. I have been been though some really dark times, and tears stream from my face when I even think about it. They are still there, the open wounds. They still hurt and in my pursuit to move on with my life, I sometimes forget they are there. And then life, or God (not too sure which is which) will remind me with pangs of pain and grief. Today is that day where I feel completely alone. Stuck in my head. In a rainy cloud that just won't let the sunshine in. It's difficult, but I get through most days like this with relief that atleast I'm feeling something. I never want to wallow for too long, you know? 

I always know there are lessons in everything and my thoughts and feelings ultimately mean something in the bigger picture. I strongly believe in everything happening as it should, but I'm really struggling with this one. Truly. Why am I here, heart full of love and pain at the same time? Why did things have to happen the way they did? Why can I not shake or work though these feelings? Surely there's a reason right? Surely I'm not here for nothing, in this whirlwind of up and down, happy and sad. 

What I do know is that something is missing. That full, unwavering self love is missing. That wholeness within myself is missing. Heartbreak has shattered me to much I don't know which piece goes where anymore. I will definitely never be the same, and I don't want to be. I want to bolder with my feelings, I want to louder with my thoughts on things and completely uncompromising with the safety of my heart. I want to be so ferociously about myself that I do not settle for crumbs and think it's an entire loaf. I never want to feel the way I have felt for the last 11 months. I want to love myself so much it beams and oozes from my skin. I have not had enough love for myself because I pour it into everyone else. No, I don't want to be that girl anymore. My cup has completely run dry. It's time to choose myself. It's time to choose myself. To fill my cup for myself. To show up for myself. 

Let me stop here for now. For today. And let me start my journey to self love. True, complete and over the top self love. I don't expect it to be rosey, or fun but I do expect it to be worth it. It means solitude, and it means confronting myself. The inner wars aren't going to be pretty, but it is a war I will win, and the bruises will fade. 

And I hope you took something, even a little something from this. Loving yourself is not selfish and it is not shameful. It's meant to be beautiful, and I can't wait to feel it fully, while I'm wide awake and receptive to it. I will embrace it and nurture it, and never let it go. Not for anything, or anyone. 

xoxo